There are two certainties in life; Change and Death.
Although I have always struggled with change plenty in my
life, I never give much thought to death. Admittedly, this is probably a good
thing. Not sure how healthy it would be if I sat around and worried about my
impending demise. However, when someone you know dies, you beginning to think
about it. Whether it’s for an hour, a day or a week, it’s natural to grieve, to
wonder and to worry.
Last night as I lie in bed checking in on the gossip of Facebook
(Hi, my name is Les and I am an addict), I learned of the death of someone I
knew. I didn’t know Chris all that well, but I knew who he was, I know his
wife, some of his family, we share many of the same friends. I began to read
all the loving and kind words that people were posting. The support they were
giving to his family and close friends. The more I read, the more I had to fight
back the tears, as the image of his children played through my mind, such
young, innocent children who will forever mourn the loss of their father. I
lost my father when I was 15 years old. I remember being angry that my father
would never see me get my driver’s license, see me graduate from high school or
ever walk me down the aisle. I don’t know, maybe it’s better that they are
younger than I was, maybe they will be more resilient than I was. Then the
thought of Aida losing either of us, well I just couldn’t even allow myself to
go there.
With the thought of death already on my mind this morning, I
called to check on my boss, when later than normal I still hadn’t heard from her. Maybe
it was the events of the previous night and the unusualness of not hearing from
her, but I thought “what if something has happened”? Thankfully, all was well,
she just had a meeting that wasn’t on her calendar. But during our conversation
she made the comment “With my husband being gone a lot, I count on you to know
I am not in a ditch somewhere. You always know where I am and should be.” Very
endearing woman that one! This made me think though, how long would it be for
someone to notice I was gone? Of course people would notice, not saying they
wouldn’t, but that thought lead to this one:
“What will be remembered when I am gone?”
Have you ever wondered what your life looks like from the
outside world? Yeah, me neither. Okay
from time to time, maybe a little. Like most people, I live my life day to day, sometimes just thankful I made it through the day with some hair left on my head (a bonus that they are not all grey). I will never be that person that travels the
world, building schools in Africa and adopting starving kids from Ethiopia, but
I want my life to mean something. I don’t need a Nobel Peace Prize, but in my
own world, my own reality, I want to be remembered for good and meaningful
things. When I go (hopefully decades and decades and a few more decades later),
I want to know that I made a difference in as many lives as I can, I want to
know that I gave all the love I could give, I want to know that no matter what,
I was the best version of me that I could be. I want to be remembered as the
one who always had a smile on my face, who you never saw upset. I want to be
the one that people looked up to and wished to be as happy as I was. The only one that can control all these wants is myself. It's up to me to put my money where my mouth is. Life's
going to have bumps in the road, it’s going to have it’s bad days, but I never want
those things to rule so much that it makes me "the girl who should have been”!
I want to be "the girl who was”……….
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